Here we are, at last, in March, and for me it’s been a
time of reflection. February is a very
difficult month for me, filled with birthday’s and anniversaries of loved ones
no longer here. It was 10 years on the
18th February since I lost my lovely mum. I am no stranger to pain, but the pain of
losing her was a pain like no other. I
foolishly thought that 10 years on, this anniversary would be easier. I was wrong.
I spent the weekend in a black hole.
John, as always, supported me through it. Listened to me talk, comforted me, gave me
space.
The last few days of mum’s life
were very traumatic. I still vividly
remembered our last conversation. I
relived the last 24 hours of her life and the crushing pain returned. I have learnt that you never ‘get over’ the
loss of a parent, you somehow learn to live with it. Over time, the happy memories return and make
you smile. We talk about my parents
every day, how could we not? Even now,
I’ll do something and go to pick up the phone to tell them!
The day of my dad’s funeral, my lovely Uncle
George said to me” Right Joanne, you’ve got to move on with your life now, your
dad wouldn’t want you to stay sad, he had a good life”. Those words pop into my head regularly and
are so very true. Mum’s attitude to
death was “when your number’s up, you’ll go”.
When mum and dad left this world they had 8 amazing grandchildren. They loved being grandparents, their family was
their world. 6 of the 8 have either gone
through, or are going through University.
They will be so, so proud.
I
believe, dad sends me robins and mum sends me white feathers, as little
reminders that they are still around.
‘Grandad robin’ visits me daily. Yesterday morning, when I went out to listen to the birdsong, there was a beautiful
white feather on the step. It’s was quite windy here yesterday, but the feather stayed firmly put.
I can’t bring them back, but I can try and
make them proud, and that is what I have always tried to do. There is no rule book on grief, but I have
learnt to be kinder to myself, to go with those feelings and cope with them in
any way that I can.
Jo xx